this morning I didn't want to crawl out
of the protective cover of blankets.
I ruined my fort to stay warm.
I'm just destructive by nature,
I can destroy everything about me&
not. care. at. all.
But when it comes to you, I care
far. too. much.
my efforts are often worthless,
because I don't really have the skills
to socialize or assist in anything
other than trying to make people
pay attention to me. I'm
so. tragically. helpless.

I need a fix cuz I'm going down.

I
don't
know
how
to
write
any
more.
I
need
a
new
outlet
or
some-
thing
to
fix
every-
thing.

pink:::a tad bit melancholy.

pink nailpolish flecked on
twelfth night
or what you will
and smeared on my nails.
because i wanted to.
these vanities are here
to distract me from
inadequecy, but really
they're just reminding me
that when i try, it's
never enough.
the colour is already
chipping, blotting,
out of the lines.
and i ramble.
and ramble
until this is not quite
out of my system.

Your logic is lacking.

how can you
justify being
angry at me
simply because
I am unhappy?
My inferiority
complex is not
an act of obstinate
rebellion. So
please stop
telling me to
stop. You have
no idea.

NewYork pizza.

orange gatorade&15 second
microwaved NewYork pizza;
a second dinner i told myself
i would not have.
today was many days.
the radio made me cry.
you made me smile.
no, i'm not confused.
it's just that things are
confusing right now,
i never know if you're
serious or not:::
any of you. all of you.

consequences is long, heavy word.

i
did
not
follow
any
directions
today,
but
instead
forged
my
own
path:::
not
caring
about
future
consequences.

new december 9: no difference

it's not New anymore.
the chill is getting monotonous.
it is just an empty promise,
never going to bring snow.
only teasing sparkles of
ice on my windshield,
blocking my vision.
is it worth wiping them off?
no. so i drive, straining to
stay on the path, but
not really caring if i
deviate, because
what difference does it
make, really?

New December 4: today was a good day.

hey billy idol,
play me some
songs on your
worn plastic
cassette tape.
windows down,
forgotten flurries
of semi-snow
flutter though
the chilly air.
paint and pens,
glitter and glue.
it's all on my mind.
all piled up in
my memory bank
to remind myself:
today was a
good day.
i was happy
today.

New December 3: REM does not comply.

this morning i crawled back into bed,
sleeping like i did when i was just a kid,
book and gameboy hidden under my
covers in case my mom walked in.
minutesminutesminutes pass&
my eyelids are sore.
i pretend there isn't light leaking through
the fake wooden blinds on my window
and bury myself under the pillows.
it's not so cold beneath the fabric.
it's not so warm beneath the fabric.
i want to be where you are,
but you can't always get what you want.
so instead i dream my wants
until i actually dream all sorts of things
that i do not really want.
REM does not comply with my desires.
cyclecyclecyclecycle awake.
(((...but it was nice to take a break.)))

New December 2: I don't I'm done.

rocky start.
crawled back into
that dark space,
requiring new
documentation.
these are the parts
I don't like.
New December,
why do I hold no
ideals for you?
I am done wishing
for me, only me.
suppresssuprresion
suppressionsupress
all those things I
thought might
mean something,
might be something.
past reactions
determine future
actions.
and I return to my
old mantra:::
i don't i'm done.

New December 1: transcending traffic.

already frozen fingers
feel chillier as i trace
pictures in the fog on
my windshield while
idling in the traffic of
an accident.
taillights bathe me in
a red haze, exhaust
clouds my vision.
my car blends in with
the New December sky.
i am not here. i am gone.
i am invisible. unseen.
i cast my thoughts to the
street&give myself up to
this calming beat.

up too late {morning/evening}

my ribcage is sore.

breakfast was

not enough,

not finished.

i poured the

rainbow pieces

down the drain

& watched them

wash away.

my ribcage is sore.

sleeping was

not enough,

not finished.

i curled up on

a couch&closed

my eyes, drifting

into darkness.