these are merely bland observations. not insights.

i was never a believer in the power of scent.
the way people claimed it pulled them to the past
eluded me. it seemed to be a made up commonality.
this evening i picked a towel up off of the floor.
my shirt was wet. it smelled like smoke. marlboro.
we had the same brand. that must mean something.
i took it off in the bathroom. brushed my teeth.
note that I said had? mine are all out. they lasted
about a month. i don't know how people can smoke
a pack a day. maybe I'll understand later.
but that smell. it was fake. my laundry has been
done time and time again. it was fake, I know.

...that afternoon I went to your house to nap.
we didn't really. i scratched your back and you
took off your shirt and we got distracted. so I
put us back on track. downstairs, out of your
domain we watched a tarantino film and you mouthed
every word. disappeared for a moment. returned with
that green hat on and a cigarette. you looked cute.
sitting on the couch casually smoking. and a very
comfortable leg rest. I probably could have stayed
later, like every other time. I don't push boundaries.
I'd just like to think I can...

that's what I thought of in my closet. that day.
to be honest I don't really miss you yet. we've gone
longer without seeing each other. there are no titles
that obligate me to miss you. no expectations.
now with technology I can disconnect and pretend I am
in a movie or something like that while I try to find
my voice. anything to separate me from the crowd of
cliches, and really everyone is just the same when you
start talking to them. right? I feel my life changing
in a terribly predictable way, heading towards two years
ago---the summer of solitude. it's elliott smith and
ben folds now. the occasional 80's tune. also I have movies.
but really it's the same. lonely but I don't want to
take action. too lazy to call someone up. too lazy to
make an effort to be original. or be a decent friend.
these are merely bland observations. not insights.

bad dream

I had a dream that
you forgot about me.
the rest of my waking
day was tinged with
hurt and echoes of
imaginary words.

start of a new story?

smoke this, roll that.
suppress this taste,
stand up straight. (sway)
sucker.thought you could?
stay focused:tunnel vision.
send us to the moon!
shock us to the core!
savor this moment.
someday you'll look back&
see if it was the
start of something or
simply a sad ending.

kind of.

"man, I wish I didn't have to leave"
is basically what you said while I
rested my chin on your chest.
"you have to have adventures"
I explained for you
and you smiled in a sad way
because it was true but the
fact that I understood kind of
made you want to stay.

not fair.

the media glamorizes falling asleep
in someone else's arms---it's stifling.
after accepting this fact we parted
to our own edge of the bed and
really did take a nap this time.
I woke up in a puddle of drool and
forgot where I was---the walls were
bare, the sky tinged a stormy colour
and you. that's what really made me
believe it wasn't real--you next to me.
when you opened your eyes you smiled,
said "c'mere" in a sleepy voice
and let me snuggle against you.
we kissed with chapped lips,
laughing at how drowsy and uncoordinated
it all became. so we simply sat.
you held me close and asked,
"what's that serious look for?"
"...it's not fair," I answered childishly.
truthfully. you tightened your grip and
tried to make the world disappear for me.