these are merely bland observations. not insights.

i was never a believer in the power of scent.
the way people claimed it pulled them to the past
eluded me. it seemed to be a made up commonality.
this evening i picked a towel up off of the floor.
my shirt was wet. it smelled like smoke. marlboro.
we had the same brand. that must mean something.
i took it off in the bathroom. brushed my teeth.
note that I said had? mine are all out. they lasted
about a month. i don't know how people can smoke
a pack a day. maybe I'll understand later.
but that smell. it was fake. my laundry has been
done time and time again. it was fake, I know.

...that afternoon I went to your house to nap.
we didn't really. i scratched your back and you
took off your shirt and we got distracted. so I
put us back on track. downstairs, out of your
domain we watched a tarantino film and you mouthed
every word. disappeared for a moment. returned with
that green hat on and a cigarette. you looked cute.
sitting on the couch casually smoking. and a very
comfortable leg rest. I probably could have stayed
later, like every other time. I don't push boundaries.
I'd just like to think I can...

that's what I thought of in my closet. that day.
to be honest I don't really miss you yet. we've gone
longer without seeing each other. there are no titles
that obligate me to miss you. no expectations.
now with technology I can disconnect and pretend I am
in a movie or something like that while I try to find
my voice. anything to separate me from the crowd of
cliches, and really everyone is just the same when you
start talking to them. right? I feel my life changing
in a terribly predictable way, heading towards two years
ago---the summer of solitude. it's elliott smith and
ben folds now. the occasional 80's tune. also I have movies.
but really it's the same. lonely but I don't want to
take action. too lazy to call someone up. too lazy to
make an effort to be original. or be a decent friend.
these are merely bland observations. not insights.