stream of consciousness.

I think and I think and I try to
make myself be quiet I try to
make myself quit and in my head
I am screaming NO, shut the FUCK UP
to myself but it doesn't work
it never works and I can't lie
to myself if I know that I'm lying.
can I?

and I thought this was special
I thought I was maybe special,
just this once. Once.
No. I hold nothing sacred.
but even that is a lie.
I live off of music and words,
the very things that bring me
to tears and tear me to pieces
because they're too true
they're too real they understand
and they don't even know me
like I want everyone else
to know me, like I want to
know me.

I have held back so much,
kept so many things in a
box of constraints, letting
through only the words that
fit into 160 characters,
words that fit only into
5:::7:::5, words that fit only
into what I think someone
will read and care and
maybe just maybe care
enough to make me
care enough.

but I am letting this out
but I am not really letting
this out because there are
so many things to say
that I can't say partly
because I'm afraid and
partly because I don't
know how to say them
and partly because I don't
even know what I am
feeling or if I feel at
all anymore and I am
just lost.